1. Work out… Go ahead try it…it’s not going to happen! Try the downward dog yoga pose as your toddler laughs at you and crawls through your legs making you almost fall over and break your neck. Maybe you want to do some push ups…fat chance, as they jump on your back thinking its a fun ride for them as you fall flat on your face unable to lift that little booger. OK, maybe you want to use the treadmill hahahahaha ya no, because that’s a big safety hazard. The only way your going to possibly get a work out in is if you walk/run with them in the stroller. You will only need fifty snacks, bribes or toys to go to the park. Then you will stop fifty to one hundred times to give them something new to play with realizing your barley getting a work out at all.
2. Be intimate with your spouse… Lets be honest about what may or may not go on around the babies…They are with us twenty four seven and when they are sleeping well that’s considered a safe adult time to most of us, it just is! Rest assured when that little baby becomes a toddler they will smack daddy away when he attempts to kiss you sitting on the couch, because you belong to them and only them. Don’t forget the usual time where you think that little pint sized cutie is asleep and you try to have your intimate moments, conveniently they start calling for you. The devastation in your spouses eyes is a mutual feeling that you both understand.
3. Eat an ice cream sandwich at 10 am… Day dreaming back to when Maxwell was my only tiny little one around and how I didn’t have to hide in the pantry of the kitchen to sneak a treat mid morning. Yes I have a bit of a sweet tooth and being that so many times in life there are restrictions I let myself bend the rules sometimes. I say the heck with what time it is and eat that sugary sweet thing if it’s what my heart desires or gives me sanity in moments of chaos! No hiding in the pantry with baby, just make a disgusting face like that ice cream or sweet treat is the most disgusting thing ever and your good to enjoy. You can eat it slow, fast, morning or night time because your baby isn’t going to steal it from you or throw a tantrum till they have one.
4. Take a nap… Shut those eyes…I bet five minutes later right as your about to drift off to dream land you will think your having a bad nightmare as you hear your own name being called from the monitor. Nope your not dreaming, that little adorable person decided to not nap well today. Gee, what a coincidence the little booger decides to not cooperate, all on the same day you resemble the cast from The Walking Dead.
5. Read a book… If you would like every page ripped out and colored with crayola crayons when your not looking than sure. Again try not paying attention to them for five minutes to read and you will have the entire house turned upside down making you wonder if you had passed out momentarily while reading, because there is no way one child could have possibly caused this tornado in the living room.
6. Have adult an conversation…Adults use words and expressions when talking that don’t always mean exactly what they say, with that said…when you hear a toddler say “Mommy wants to kill Daddy!” Do not be alarmed this was probably the result of one mom to another saying that they want to kill their husband for forgetting to take out the trash…Forgetting how that little one next to you thinks so literal. Saying the word boob in front of them once will cause them to say it twenty times a day just because it’s funny.
7. Watch T.V. shows with vulgarity…My absolute favorite show has to be Sons Of Anarchy which was the most unexpected thing. I protested watching it for years because I do not like violence. There is so much more to that show (cough, cough Jax Teller) and can’t wait till I can rewatch all the shower scenes, I mean seasons again. New born babies sleeping will not be phased by the violence, but no toddler should ever be in a room with this kind of show playing, it’s just common sense! Same thing with the new show Odd Mom Out, love love love watching when Max is sleeping and I’m hanging with my baby girl, but no way in heck for Max. The other day he walked in on me watching an episode where someone gives birth. As I fumbled for the remote he asked what was wrong with her legs.
8. Last But not least…Sit Down!!! In the rare occurrence that your little one allows you to sit down you’ll probably be plummeted off the couch when your rear end meets with a sharp object. There always seems to be that one toy strategically placed where you hopefully plan to sit, thinking your actually going to relax for a minute. Only to realize someone needs there nose wiped, a snack or attention for the beautiful artwork they created all over your living room floor. Then it’s time to make dinner, clean up dinner and get everyone bathed. When all is done and the little ones are nestled in for bed maybe your hopeful determined self will catch a break and relax on the couch which seems to be missing all the couch cushions that were used to build a fort.
So live it up people with babies! You may be too tired to do anything, but at least your allowed to for the time being. Toddlers continue to restrict parents everywhere all while filling our hearts with more love then we thought imaginable. I sure do love my pint sized, crazy and adorable little human!