I was putting my daughter to sleep when a wave of horrendous pain hit my chest at full force. I quickly started trying to think of why? What is bringing on this current wave of grief? I had to finish putting my daughter to sleep so I attempted to distract myself from the ball of fire pitted deep in my heart attempting to radiate out of my body. Feeling as if I was going to implode, I began contemplating what could be bringing on this current wave of grief. Why in this moment of peace am I struck so deep? I felt chills, as if Patryk was standing right there with me, looking over me and trying to tell me why. Then all at once it hit me and I realized why grief was visiting me in that very moment….
You know those moments where you’re on the break of sanity and you can either start laughing uncontrollably or your going to lose your sh*t. I’ve learned to give in to those moments and laugh at the insanity, because whether I like it or not my little children did not come out of me walking and talking with perfect manners….
I’m not sure who was more nervous on Maxwell’s first day of school, him or me. I remember driving down the winding country roads that chilly August morning like it was just yesterday. …
I always wondered how I would handle Maxwell reaching preschool age, this is the age still most vivid to me from little Patryk’s life. When dropping Maxwell for his first day of school I can remember being excited, but overly consumed with how I would even get him to exit the car….
Just wanted to write to you all this morning…One year ago today was one of the scariest and darkest days I can remember since losing little Patryk. There was such fear while not knowing what was happening to Maxwell….after testing, three full tonic clonic seizures, rage type reaction to first seizure medicine administered, doctors were telling us that his MRI showed a gray area, heterotopia, which is a abnormal area in the brain where in utero tissue formed slightly abnormally. Many people are born with it and never suffer a seizure in their lives, but it is also a common finding in seizure patients. So it means something and it doesn’t…what it does tell us is there is a possible reason for the seizures, helping to calm our nerves that what was happening to Max was different from Patryk’s unknown neurological complications. Doctors assured us they see no similarities in the two cases and we spent five days in the hospital doing testing and medication changes. We went home and things behaviorally took a turn for the worst…….