As quickly as I put my hands over my face I also wanted to collaps on to the kitchen floor. I imagined myself kicking and screaming like a two year old having a tantrum. I’ve decided to instead let out a scream, silently in my head of course, so that I didn’t alarm my toddler standing in the other room. You may be wondering what caused this mini emotional break down. I was standing in my kitchen after I returned home from grocery shopping, desperately needing to get the dirty dishes out of the sink so that I could wash Katia’s bottles. It wasn’t until I was about oh ninety nine percent done emptying the full dishwasher that I realized…I never started the dishwasher before I left the house earlier that day. Unloading all the dirty dishes into the cabinets and then contaminating every single last dish I had that was clean, since I was cooking with raw meat the night before. This was also the moment I realized I was beyond exhausted and felt completely hopeless. Hopeless to ever sleep again and be able to function like a normal human being. This was not the first mishap, but it was the “straw that broke the camels back” causing my emotional break down.
It is so funny to me, the same days that end in defeat are the ones that I wake up feeling so hopeful. Usually my day starts by helping Katia sleep the last hour or so in my arms while I sit on Facebook or randomly put things into shopping cart on Diapers.com. Then I hear that little adorable voice calling for Daddy from his room, I respond, “Maxwell it’s Mommy!” followed by Maxwell’s response “Nooooo! Daddy!” Feeling so loved and appreciated that my toddler wakes up sad every day when I walk into his room. Shortly after I proceeded to feed him, Katia and our two dogs. Then desperately staring at the coffee pot dreaming of getting my cup of coffee while I’m filling all of Katia’s bottles for the day. Funny thing, I couldn’t wake up more happy and full of love to just be there for my babies. I feel blessed! Whether Maxwell wanted me or not I was able to be there everyday for him and watch him grow up. This is all I ever wanted.
Half way through the day there usually has been about four emotional breakdowns and tantrums over Maxwell not being able to eat cupcakes all day or play in the potty. This is when the exhaustion starts to kick in, not overwhelmed just tired. Its not an easy task with an emotional toddler plus no sleep to maintain sanitity. All while I have this adorable little baby who loves to laugh in my face as I’m attempting to get her down for a nap. Of course I smile back, as evil as this little smile of hers should be, but to me it is still the sweetest, most adorable and beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. Katia just refuses to sleep! Well unless I put her in the baby carrier, which she is currently in right now, just snoring away while I’m typing this. Too bad it’s not safe for me to stand and sleep all night with her in it, lol. Don’t even get me started on that old saying “sleep when baby sleeps” as if that’s possible when you have more than one child. Katia never sleeps during Maxwell’s nap time. The one day she actually does it will feel like a freaking miracle, but I bet I will not be there for that magical moment. This will probably occur when grandma is babysitting and I get a text message with a picture of the monitor and both babies sleeping. Oh wait that did happen! I’m just trying to block it from my memory so I don’t cry and throw a tantrum like a big baby. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mommy out there who’s children act like little angels for grandma. This makes us feel as if we lie to our mothers about how nuts things can be at home, like its all in our sleep deprived heads.
As I continue to survive not sleeping I can’t help but feel like the luckiest person in the world. Smiling while I continue to bump into walls and forget to wash my dishes before putting them away but…Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Warn you that motherhood with more than one child can be very emotionally hard at times. All while still feeling like life couldn’t get any better, unless they both napped together of course. 🙂 Some kids love sleep and some kids hate it from day one, possibly making your little miracle a very exhausting blessing. Just know you’re not alone if you feel both emotionally exhausted and happy all in one day. This doesn’t mean your nuts, it just means your human and probably an amazing Mother.
This photo was a picture I sent to my husband one afternoon to let him know how things were going. LOL
You probably see facebook photos of your friends kids all the time, doing adorable things! Well those adorable pictures are not usually of these moments…