My time on earth is something I value and don’t want to end till I’m old and gray, but inevitably it will end. When this day comes the reward I have waiting for me on the other side is something I can not wait for. I feel anxious, nervous, excited, scared and over joyed when thinking about it, just like the feeling you may get on a first date with a boy you really like. Only this little boy has already stolen my heart and I proudly call him my son. I daydream often about the day I’m in heaven and see my son Patryk for the first time. After meeting Jesus in his open and loving arms I believe I will have the best first date of my life. Where I will be so overwhelmed with joy my human heart wouldn’t be able to bear it.
So many questions run through my head, do you grow older in heaven, will you still be my five year old Patryk or will you have grown into a man? Will you have watched all your siblings grow up or will you need me to tell you everything about them. Will you be sad about the time that you lost or will you be understanding of everything that happened? You were only five years old when you left and I’m not sure how much you understand about what went wrong or if when I get to heaven you understand more than me and will be my teacher. There is one thing I know, one question I do not ask myself, hugs do exist in heaven. When I hug you for the first time everything, every pain, every tear I have cried for you will disappear. While we are embraced in each others arms the heavens will shine so bright that day from my love for you.
The connection I felt with Patryk was stronger than most I have felt in my life. He was not your typical child for many reasons. His soul was filled with wisdom, love and curiosity. He was stronger than most children, more loving and forgiving. There was nothing typical about Patryk except that he was a boy who loved his video games. Some of his best friends were adults, neighbors and care givers. He could carry on a conversation better than some adults and it was always a pleasure to be talking with him, he was all about connecting and sharing with people. During his five years of life I was lucky enough to have most of that time with him, so we had a lot of conversations and time to connect. Sometimes this strong connection I felt for my son is what brings me such joy, but it can also be what brings my heart so much pain. I can not be with the one person I understood more than myself, it sucks.
Back to that daydream, after we are done embracing in each others arms for as long as we can, I hear your voice again for the first time since you left. This moment is one I’ve longed to be in, I miss your sweet voice, I miss you. I imagine you light up with joy as you start to tell me everything I’ve missed out on while you were in heaven. You’ll tell me about all your friends and how you cant wait for me to meet everyone. Next we will run and run and run till we can’t run anymore, falling over in laughter into a cloud. Laying there together in bliss as you tell me everything you can think of. On earth you couldn’t run and run like you will in heaven because your body would get tired easily. The best part, we are going to let the sun shine on us all day since your disease is no longer a factor and the sun can’t stop you. We will dance in the sun like we use to in the rain. We will watch movies, catch frogs, butterflies, play wii, hungry hungry hippos; most importantly we will dance as if we don’t care who’s watching and like we don’t have a care in the world just as we did everyday together on earth. I miss your white boy dance moves!!! Dad use to have a video of your special talent, but his phone broke and we lost that video. Now, I long for the moment where you show me all your new moves and make me laugh till I cant take it any more, while we booty dance together. Lol!
Truly, most importantly I cant wait to get to know you again because I’m sure your spirit has grown as has mine. I can not wait to see all the beautiful things heaven has done for you and to be able to thank God myself for the gift he has given me. Meeting you, holding you, calling you son is something I can’t express how truly grateful I am for. As much as it hurts that your gone I will never ever forget to be grateful first! It’s my promise to you and what keeps me going on days I can’t bare. I love you and can’t wait till our first date again!
September 18th 2004, The first time we met!
Posted this video on my Youtube channel, I just wanted to talk and reach out to other grieving parents.
More post about Patryk…