The one burning question I had after losing Little Patryk was, will I always feel this horrible? Then I would think to myself, there is no possible way this amount of pain could last forever! Well, six whole years has passed since losing him and I could have never imagined feeling as much happiness as I have in the past years and today. Of course I feel guilty admitting that, but I know it would make Patryk happy and that is what matters most to me. After creating such an amazing child how could I not want more? He was the reason I went on to have more children. The year he passed I promised him a brother or sister. So, I always knew I would one day have children again, for him. Giving him the brother or sister he so longed to have, but also for myself because being a mom is the greatest thing on earth.
I always wondered how long it would take to get to a moment like this. Here I am walking hand in hand with my children smiling and happy, amongst the ciaos that comes with a family photo shoot involving little ones of course. We had a pretty amazing photographer, I was sweating trying to get Katia to cooperate yet you can’t see it in any photos. Yes life has become pretty busy with two kids, but it has become crazy in the most beautiful way and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. As I think about it right now, my children are the reason I got pulled out of the darkness. I did not plan on that, but it just happened. After losing Patryk we waited two years before trying again because we never wanted to feel like we were replacing him, newly grieving while pregnant is not something anyone ever hopes for. I’m happy it happened when the time was right, when our hearts were ready because the emotional roller coaster we were about to go on we never saw coming.
Just today Maxwell came up to me while pulling out the Christmas decor, “Mommy this is my Patryk’s ornament”…My Patryk, is that not the sweetest thing ever. When Maxwell speaks of his brother my heart breaks into a thousand pieces all while filling each piece with more love than imaginable. I wish Patryk was here to teach Maxwell a thing or too, I know he’s watching over him because I felt it when Max ended up in the hospital this year. I just want him with us to snuggle, make silly faces and dance, I so long to do those things with him again. I’m not sure exactly how to handle explaining Patryk to the kids, so I just talk about him as I would naturally when things come up. Then that moment happened, my three year old asked me if we can have Patryk over to play. I hid my tears and embraced him, telling him about Heaven. I will hold those tears for private, I don’t ever want to discourage his questions. One day when he is older I long to have that conversation with him openly, talking about his brother and laughing while I tell him stories of all our wild adventures together.
Before losing Patryk I could never imagine my life with out him, just after his passing I could never imagine my life with out him. Now I’m living my life with out him, it’s been so long that I’m use to him not being around; another painful thought, but it’s true. The question I now ask myself six years later is not when will this horrible pain go away, but how when I carry so much pain can I feel this much happiness? If I could have had a looking glass to see my future self in this photograph I’m not sure I would believe that it was true. I feel shocked, overwhelmingly joyful, hopeful and relieved when looking at this photo. It symbolizes so much more than just another family portrait. For me this picture is a triumph, a milestone and a dream come true that was thought to be unimaginable.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been many of The Bad Days I’ve battled through before having such a normal happy moment. I must say though, I think Patryk is up in the Heavens so elated and proud that he has a bigger family. I made it through darkness no one should ever walk through, but I had an amazing support system to keep me going. My grandmothers words stuck with me, when I would start to have dark thoughts, she would say ” Trina anytime you have a negative thought that is the Devil’s work, he is trying to get in your head don’t let him.” Then she told me to say inside my head “Out Devil out” She told me I must not let those thoughts consume me and to fight back. I’m not sure if she knew how much this would impact my healing process, but it actually did. You can’t help but have horrible thoughts and images running through your mind after such a tragedy, but I learned to stop myself when they arose. As quick as I would get those evil thoughts out of my head I would then replace it with a happy memory instead. I worked through the pain slowly and privately with my husband and a trusted psychologist. I think it’s important to work through those bad moments, but not to let them consume you.
It’s unimaginable to be sitting here looking at this photo…anyone newly grieving a child hold on, it will be a very very dark road to get to a moment like this, but you can get here…Just hold on. Hold on to faith, love and believe your child is with you every step of the way wishing and hoping for you all the happiness in the world. You will feel guilt along the way, but I’m pretty sure that’s a normal feeling in such a backwards loss. Remember to hold onto your good thoughts and cherish them, don’t let the bad thoughts consume you and be patient. This process is long and ugly, but everyday that I hold my children now it makes every second of this crazy life worth every single moment. The good the bad but I’m still here to love and grow, God I hope I can teach my children of Patryk in a way that shows them to live life to the fullest, just like their brother did. I can’t hold my Patryk but i’ll take my own advice and “Just Hold On” because I want more moments like this, normal, chaotic and happy moment like this.