I was putting my daughter to sleep when the wave of horrendous pain hit my chest at full force. I quickly started trying to think why? What is bringing on this current wave of grief? I had to finish putting my daughter to sleep so I tried to distract myself from the ball of fire pitted deep in my heart attempting to radiate out of my body, I felt as if I was going to implode. I started contemplating what could be bringing this on. Why in this moment of peace am I struck so deep? I felt chills, as if Patryk was standing right there with me, looking over me and trying to tell me why. Then all at once it hit me and I realized why grief was visiting me in this very moment.
The “Back to school” time is starting, on T.V. and in the stores. This is the time that subconsciously I’m reminded that the time of year is approaching when little Patryk passed away. He had just started school, just celebrated his fifth and final birthday. Then nine days after that final birthday was the last (normal) day I would have with my son, only I didn’t spend that last day with him. I worked two days a week at the salon and his last day was my scheduled work day. I awoke that morning to Patryk hugging and kissing me and telling me he loved me, like most nights he had ran into my bedroom while I was sleeping and snuggled in between my husband and I. I’m feeling blessed and thankful looking back on those moments, getting to snuggle and wake up with him by our side. Back then these moments left me feeling frustrated and wishing he could get through one night without waking and sleep on his own. I didn’t know it then, but I needed that snuggle time. Now as I think back on it, him never sleeping was a gift, a gift of time. I wish I had more time with him, I wish the world had more time with him. He was the spirit that could have changed so many hearts, I can contest to that because he changed my heart and my way of thinking forever.
When I returned from work later that day I remember him running towards me with his bright smile, but instantaneously I knew something was wrong. Even though he was running around and playing, having a good time something just didn’t feel right. I tried not to over think it and just decided to watch him closely since there were no symptoms of illness. We decide to run out to a local sports store, while we were there Patryk played put put at the little golf display they had set up and just had a blast. When we returned home that evening he went out back and was running, playing, pushing his lawn mower around and still in good spirits. When the sun was setting I remember everyone going inside and he watched cartoons, had his night time milk and snack before going to bed for the evening. I remember feeling nervous and uneasy that night, but he had not had an episode in over six months and there was no reason to think it would ever happen again (all of his rare/unknown occurrences started in the middle of the night, awaking with high fever vomiting and severe headaches.) In the middle of that very night I heard him calling for me, I ran to his room and his fever was sky rocketing. I pick him up and took him to the rocking chair in my room, awoke my husband to get the bucket and sang him our song. “You are my sun shine, my only sunshine…” He then immediately started vomiting and we were scrambling to get him to the E.R. Typically you would not panic immediately when a child has these symptoms, but with each episode his condition became severe very quickly. That episode was the worst one, very rapidly he stopped breathing and over the next day while he was under sedation we came to learn that he had passed. Hearts shattered all around us, I was left broken and being pulled up from the floor.
Back to this current wave of grief, I walked out of my daughters room and stopped at the top of the stairs balling. I was feeling like the fire in my heart was coming out through my throat. While holding my chest I walked down stairs straight to the kitchen so I could get Maxwell his seizure medicine and begin his night time routine. I couldn’t contain my tears, I grabbed Maxwell and told him why I was crying. I told him how much I loved him and reassured him Mommy would be o.k. Before tucking Maxwell into bed we sang brothers song (You are my sunshine) as I left my sons room I felt grateful and devastated all at once. Grateful for every single moment I’m alive to hold my children and kiss them good night, it is such an honor. Devastated Patryk was not here to be a part of our family, he truly would have been obsessed with being a big brother.
Now that I’m fully aware the time is here where I struggle the most with my grief, I’m writing this personal post as my first combat tool. I also wanted to share something with the world, something more personal than I’ve ever shared before. It’s a video of my beautiful, talented, silly, smart, vivacious, courageous, loving and kind hearted son, Patryk on his 5th and final birthday…
Getting ready to send balloons to heaven this Sunday and I just want to say…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATRYK!!! YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I’LL EVER MEET AND I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS YOU’VE BEEN DOING UP THERE IN HEAVEN, MOMMY LOVES YOU CHOO CHOO (SCREAMING TO THE WORLD HOW MUCH I MISS YOU TILL WE MEET AGAIN)