Forever Missing My First Born Son Patryk, but…
On his Birthday I do not grieve. I Celebrate His Life And All That He Was!
This marks the seventh birthday we have celebrated without Patryk here, that sounds insane when I think about it. More birthdays celebrated with out him than with, yet it still feels like just yesterday he was here. “Surreal” is the only way I can describe this realization. With out him it will never feel right, but on his birthday I choose to celebrate the five years we had with him. I opened up recently about September, and how I allow my self to grieve any day I need except on his birthday. It’s a choice I’ve made to be thankful for that day, for his life, no matter how short our time was together. Life without knowing him would have been a greater loss, this world had a gift in knowing Patryk. So, this years theme was to Patryk’s brother and sister (Katia and Maxwell) favorite song, Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
No words can describe the joy this picture bring me, Katia and Maxwell holding their big brother’s balloon. It turned out just as I imagine it and I can not stop smiling when I look at it. It’s a picture that represents all my children, something I’ll never experience and it saddens me when I think about it. So this picture in a way heals my heart a bit, it’s beautiful and I will forever hold this photo close to my heart.
This year and every year on Patryk’s birthday we send balloons to heaven, filled with all the colors of the rainbow; he loved them, seriously! He loved every color, every person, every game and every thing, actually I can not think of anything that Patryk didn’t like. Thinking of all the things Patryk loved helps me through the hard moments of this unimaginable loss. Every year my “grief” feelings change, this year I feel like I’m the one receiving gifts on Patryk’s birthday. Maxwell and Katia are getting older and now Maxwell tells me what message to write for him. This year he said “Make sure you tell brother, I Love you!” This filled my heart with more joy than you could imagine, this is a whole new experience, grieving for my child with my child. It’s not easy, but there are these moments that are so intensely amazing, again no words, just thankful for those moments.
This was the first year Maxwell had a hard time letting go of his balloon to brother. He was very emotional, after I snapped this photo I went and sat with him till he was ready to let go…
Maxwell later talked to me and said “But brother didn’t write to us and send us a balloon back.” This completely shattered my heart, his tiny mind is trying so hard to understand such a complex life experience. One day he will understand, but for now I can just see him trying to understand and loving his brother from afar. It is a beautiful and emotional thing to a Mama. I just pray I’m doing this right, I hope to honor Patryk while helping Maxwell and Katia to understand, telling them stories and sharing about all the beautiful things their brother was….