The past year has been one of the hardest years since losing little Patryk. After all of Maxwell’s health issues arose it truly took a toll on our spirits. So when my husband won a four day and three night cruise to the Bahamas I knew it was important to make it happen. Typically I would pass during such a difficult time, but I felt we would be better parents for stepping away. Every parent knows it is easier said than done to leave. I pushed myself for not only me, but my marriage that needed healing as well.
To say I freaked out before leaving would be and understatement, literally panicking about everything that could go wrong. I asked my husband to change all the batteries in the house smoke detectors just in case. The look on his face when I asked him was priceless, but I just ignored his judgmental expression and went back to all the things I could do to prep. I made a detailed list of my son’s seizure medications and daily activities, probably stocked enough diapers for about a hundred babies then did a lot of praying. Prayer was needed since my eight month old daughter does not sleep at night, so I prayed she would sleep for grandma. Well, the morning we were leaving for the airport about to get in the cab to leave Katia was upstairs crying unable to get back to sleep. I had to literally push myself out the front door and into the cab. I was shaking the whole way to the airport, just waiting to hear from my mom that she had settled so I could return to a state of sanity. Finally, two hours after the baby awoke I received a message that she was back asleep and I breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing a bit.
On the plane I had this moment where the excitement kicked in full gear. I had now gone hours with out hearing any crying, screaming, whinnying, demands or having anything to do. Doing nothing felt so good and strange all at once. This was the moment I decided to let go of every worry (for now) and focus on my husband, myself and nothing else. The two of us needed this so badly, especially after all the turmoil we faced this year with Maxwell’s unexpected seizure disorder. We struggled through Maxwell’s hospital stay and being back in the very place we lost Patryk, it was all too much. Sitting on the plane Patrick took my hand, holding it and smiled. All I thought was, I can’t remember the last time we had a moment so peaceful. We began having adult conversations, talking about random thoughts and before we knew it we were back. I almost had tears in my eyes at one point of our conversation, but if I had cried it would of probably ruined the moment, confusing Patrick. So, I held back my happy emotional tears and just smiled.
Sitting on the boat looking out at the water with nothing else surrounding us is simply magical. There is so much beauty and wonder in the idea that there are humpback whales and tropical fish beneath my feet. Walking out on the open deck at night to see nothing but water glistening from the moon light and the stars all shinning above, it’s just breath taking. Cruising is defiantly one of my personal favorite ways to vacation. I remember on one cruise there were dolphins swimming along side the ship. If you have never cruised then I’m highly recommending you try it, at least once!
We laid on the beach, hung out in the ocean on mats, played blackjack in the casino, devoured everything we could, took naps, talked and just enjoyed every moment of our short vacation. Sitting here one day before we go back home I feel at peace, relaxed and ready to enjoy one last night before I run home to squeeze my babies tight. I terribly miss my arms being full, my back is confused by not carrying two tiny humans all day. Soon enough this time will be over, but I’m so grateful my husband worked incredibly hard to give us this time. Now hopefully when I get home my mom will inform me she worked her grandma magic on Katia and now has her sleeping through the night… “Never stop dreaming big.” 😉
I have always been one of those parents that feels guilty to spend time away. The longest I’ve ever left my kids was overnight. This time after such a grueling year I felt different. Winning a vacation and my mom being able to take time off of work to help are two very uncommon occurrences. It was as if the universe forced us to take a break. My marriage, back, anxiety and heart all healed a bit while away, I’m proud of myself for taking this time to mend. Now I can go home and be a better parent through all the difficult times that are still ahead. With that said there are so many more amazing moments to come in between the ciaos that makes it all worth it. This vacation and time to heal was very unexpected in the best way possible!