Exiting the driveway of our home I began to feel a lump in my throat and a tare at my heart so deep I could barley stand it. Holding back the tears as much as possible because I knew if I started to cry I would completely lose it. I never thought I’d feel so much guilt leaving my toddler to go have this new baby. I know my hormones had a lot to do with this over emotional reaction to a perfectly normal and supposedly happy event, but that made no difference in that moment of shear pain and sadness.
The fact that my toddler had a high fever the past two nights may have helped in making this emotional state a bit worse. Not only was I leaving him to go have this new baby, he was also feeling ill. Way to make a mother feel even more guilty, no mother wants to be away from her baby when they are sick. While I was sitting in the car about to lose it, holding back the tears making it feel as if I was choking, my husband turns to me looking calm and excited and says, “what’s wrong?” What a loaded question! I just took a deep breath and said I couldn’t talk right now and to hold on. Any words that I spoke in that moment were about to make me lose all control I was barley holding on to.
I was scared! You would think this being the third time would make it less scary, but in reality each pregnancy I became more nervous about the birth. That’s because things never seem to go completely smooth for me to say the least. I was praying on the way to the hospital for a safe delivery and for the baby and myself to be healthy. So as we pulled up to the hospital and my husband dropped me off at the door leaving to go park, it took everything in me to walk through those hospital doors. Every part of me wanted to go running back towards the car and go home to my then asleep sick two year old.
There was no going back once they admitted me or at least I told myself that since I was being induced and still had time to run for the door. It wasn’t until I received a picture from my mom of my little one eating breakfast with his new stuffed dinosaur, smiling, eating his peaches that I was able to feel some relief. His fever was gone and he was eating and smiling, this allowed some of the guilt to melt away. Word of advice to any Mother of a daughter about to give birth with little ones at home, send pictures all day and update often! This was the greatest gift that gave me the strength to get over my weak moments. I knew he was okay and this allowed me to focus on the birth of our new daughter.
After a very tiring day of fun contractions and only minor complications our beautiful daughter was born. I remember looking at my husband and never seeing him so in love before. Both of us crying uncontrollably and in blissful happiness. What was so unbelievably awesome, watching my husband have a daughter for the first time and the look on his face was priceless. With his sons he was proud and over joyed, but with his daughter it was completely utterly falling in love. It was a beautiful moment for me to watch and I enjoyed every minute of it as I lay there completely exhausted with not one ounce of energy left in me. I’m so grateful for this moment and for not running out of the hospital like a crazy emotional pregnant lady earlier that morning. I was now no longer pregnant and the mother of a daughter that I will cherish and love forever and ever. I feel complete, I always wanted a daughter and now I will have the greatest gift of learning how fun and crazy this journey will be.
I decided to write about the emotional distress of becoming a mom again to tell mothers about to have their second child that if your feeling this way it is completely normal. You are not nuts, you’re not a bad mother and everything will be ok! Talk with friends about how your feeling like I did and know it can be a scary thing bringing a new baby home to your child even though you may be very excited for this milestone in your life.
I’m a couple weeks postpartum now and the hormones are not completely gone. I’m emotionally happy and can cry at the little things like seeing my son be so sweet to his baby sister and saying,” I’m brudder.” That’s when I’m done telling him to stop yelling at her that the toys are “MINE!” Lol! So as I learn to balance two children and let go of the fact that my two year old is no longer the baby, I’m feeling beyond blessed to have both my children here and healthy.